An unconventional quarrel with a ghost
by 221Beatsofmyheart
Summary: Sirius Black is on a rampage. Battling with his own emotions, brimming with unexplained jealously and insecurity that Remus has decided to regularly visit Moaning Myrtle and goes to confront her to inspire her to keep her mitts off all while not even being sure why. Basically Sirius being his usual, dramatic self and Remus handling the explosion much to Myrtle's dismay.


"

Trust Moony to be hitting it off with a speccy, hormonal ghost."

James selectively ignored the spectacles comment as Sirius threw himself around the room. His hair was melodramatic, his posture brooding. You'd think he had a wedding ring attached to their furry friend.

Sirius caused the bed to shake and as he reclined, slamming his backside down and jutting his lip, grabbing a glass orb for something to do - something to play with, throwing and catching it like he was recovering from a nervous tick. As if he was coming down from a substance. "Then - it was always bound to happen. Our Moony, inserting into the big, wide world and hitching himself up with the paranormal. We seem to have misguided or neglected to turn up the intensity of our paranormal Prongs."

He took a handful of James's jacket and he dragged it as his eyes glassed off, his body pulsing and slithering with reloading energy and extra paranoia. Peter finally moved forward a piece of the wizarding chess game that James had originally started with Sirius. Sirius suddenly bounded up - flipping over the board. There was a couple of exclamations from the chess pieces such as 'Fucking Blacks. We used to belong to Regulus you know. He was a polite young man. Now we have to deal with this.'

Sirius flat-lined anything that didn't consider Moony. Sirius looked like a man whose child had just been taken clean from his arms, and was now submitted to grotesque culture and realism that he did not approve of.

"A ghost, Prongs, a ghost of all things! It's fucking dead!"

Peter piped up. "Myrtle."

"My brain cells are dead." James breathed.

Sirius straightened his back.

"I don't care if she's called bloody turtle or bloody amphibian I don't think Moony should be left alone to his own devices to be led astray and ridiculed and manipulated by this - this - abundance of nature."

James knew half of Sirius's views towards the moaning girl in the old girls bathroom is that she had been invincible to his lady-charming skills and generally Sirius saw all potentially dark things - including himself to be malicious and untrustworthy and tied to his family in some way. That, and she had reported some pretty ruthless and side-splitting accusations to Dumbledore. Mainly when James thought of Myrtle, whenever that was a thing that had to come up he just thought about if he was to die in the castle he would be subjected to Myrtle's presence, and how little difference it would have to being alive and in the presence of his notorious Lily Evans. That was something that both intrigued him, and hounded his nightmares.

James knew he had to respond and his hand left his hair that was gathered like questionably dark caramel articulately thin and delicately shaped with sweat. "It's a phase." James would make a fine father.

Sirius assessed Jame's lazy form of judgement. "She could be seducing him to her level as we speak!"

"Then, they'll have reasonably ugly children. So what, Sirius-"

Sirius, stumped by the mere fact that he had never envisioned Remus with children, let alone something so out of character. Though, he had dreamt it once or twice. It was a dark, burrowed, strange need that only he could unlatch.

Sirius cascaded more words. "Why not why-don't-we-hack-off-his-head-and-be-done-with-it Nick or a painting? what's wrong with paintings?"

Peter's nose wrinkled in confusion. "You can't hug a painting."

"Hug?!" Now Sirius really hadn't thought of that. Moony wants hugs? "What does he need hugs for from miss Satan spawn?"

Peter shrugged.

James perked. "We all have our fetishes. Let the man be."

Sirius's eyes narrowed and he began to pace leaping from bed stand to bed stand. "What if we - I - intervened?"

Peter counter-replied. "You mean spy?"

There came two simultaneous replies full of underlying passion that they couldn't help catering to. "Investigate. It's called investigate."

Sirius flew dramatically into the room. He swung around the toilet compartments, pulling open toilet seats cocking a leg and searching thoroughly, sarcastically, desperately. He didn't know why he cared so much how Moony occupied his time. Myrtle was purely an academic or kind gesture; she had to be. What else could she be? Sirius tapped his fingers, seething through his teeth. Myrtle knew he was there. He could feel it. The bloody thing could notice Peter scuttling in on all fours if she wanted to and boy, did she want to right now. He was bait. His senses ready to below he was a target. Sirius didn't fear Myrtle. It was a weird thing to think about the possibility of being scared. Nothing scared him, he thought, but this feeling was very much like being scared. Far too close yet too far away for Sirius to grasp it. Instead he lounged around. He forced his knuckles into the side of a toilet. He didn't know which one was hers. He didn't pay that much attention. The only time he'd been there is with James to catch a flash of knicker and had been quite disappointed that it appeared that it had been hexed to see as the girls bathroom currently in use. Moony paid attention. Moony emphasised with creatures that he associated himself with. Moony emphasised with him, and he liked that way. On that stupid little puff of smoke it was wasted - wasted! Sirius pulled himself together and played the waiting game whispering 'Myrtle' in different octaves in a casual outlet for his apparent fury.

"Pull your skirt back up and stop pissing about. I don't have pissing time for this." Why was I here, why was I here. He didn't know what caused him to say something crude but it was his perception of her in his mind. The only way he could see her is by alienating the possibility that her intentions were innocent. It wasn't his decision to decide - heck - it was Moony's! Moony was a very robose figure and if he wanted to meet an old mint who floated around then Sirius would be all too willing to commend it. It must take work to visit her. Although the most work Sirius struggled with was not grabbing her silly little neck and fogging up her glasses like he did to James if it would make him feel better. Doing it to James it always did. The prat deserved more often than not and besides - wait, was he comparing prongs to niggity moony-stealing Myrtle? Was he tapping into something subconscious that all brutes with glasses were an alarm bell to his relationship with Moony. If anything, it was always Moony that he was afraid of getting one over on him when it came to his relationship with James. It was all very strange and Sirius simply did not have time.

"Myrtle!" he spat. Sickly sweet giggling robbed him of his manhood and he waited for it to stop.

"Poor old Myrtle having to do with boys as wet as my toilet." she whined, despairing from above Sirius. Too far for him to reach her with any sense of dignity and he preferred to keep it around the floating blanket with unmistakable curves. If she shaped up a bit to meet his ideal girl it would be more of a pleasant experience. Then, Sirius had never been picky. He would whistle at anything with two legs. He could be having a high, mighty time with this opportunity if he was of true Sirius spirit. His ideal was girl was much less of a girl then he remembered. Myrtle had floated closer to be level with his face.

"Are you here for Remus Lupin?" Myrtle whimpered. "I'm afraid you just missed him." she wiped a tear from her eye and plummeted into a compartment."

Sirius felt very plain in Myrtle's in the art of exaggeration and if he toned it down he'd doubt she'd see through her own predicament which hopefully uninvolved a quest for Moony. Sirius didn't imagine that Moony had a thick threshold to cross and he doubted he would say no to anything. Sirius had a way with women. Myrtle was a challenge but he liked them that way, and he had all of the time in the world.

"There, there googly eyes. You quite unmatched when it comes to such flawless art. Don't cry, you'll upset the streams of scandalising chocolate frizzes you've got. No sacrifices should be made. Moony's not that worth it, anyway."

Myrtle seemed to absorb it before she flew at him. Sirius fell back. "Did IIIIIII say that I was? You're not as articulate as he is, are you? I hate liars."

Her head combined with his. "You're just like those horrible, tiny little boys manipulating poor Myrtle into confessing her dear secrets but no more!"

Sirius expression was surprised and short of a suave reply. Myrtle became more playful. She seemed to abandon her angst and lie out on top of a compartment, her hand on her hip. "Remus Lupin is a very good boy. I offered him my toilet, you know. He said" she mirrored Moony's vocal quirks disturbingly well. "Myrtle, if I may call you that, if I ever find myself in the position that I need to hide away your toilet is the first place I will go. Now can you please tell me some more about those boys last spring, um, fourteen springs ago?"

Sirius felt like he had been deprived when the voice stopped and a knot in his stomach replaced it. Moony was relating to Myrtle on a personal level. Moony liked to understand, Moony liked to voice the unvoiced, Moony had hobbies. Sirius was wrong to investigate them. He still felt that he was a lifelong subject for Moony to behold and he would not have an expiration date. He was scared, shit, he was terrified that Moony would become to big for him for Sirius. He was also afraid about Moony going anywhere near beings in fear that Moony would disconnect himself from his moony-shaped humanity. Sirius didn't want to no longer feel connected to the standard life form. Standard Sirius, here's your complementary clingy Sirius. Happy Christmas, Mate, my old boy, my old tosh. He specifically did not mean to be thrown into the sidelines. Life is what you make it and he wanted his life to be Moony's. Myrtle's femininity and the threat of her intellect were the icing on the cake and the least of Sirius problems. They were artificial but Sirius was artificial-based. His rage began bubbling like Evans's daily masterpiece. That was complimentary to the ego.

Myrtle was watching him. She cackled and giggled, hiding her face rhythmically. "You like him." she gurgled with delight. "You do you do you do. And you're wondering if he's interested in poor, old, frumpy Myrtle."

Sirius neglected her assumption choosing rather immaturely not to explore it. He should have expected his actions would give off that impression, and quite frankly he didn't mind too much if he was a deep damsel in distress, travelling in the force of a thousand winds and erections to defend against opposition. It was poetic. It held truth and Viennese.

Myrtle sighed loudly. "I should be his type. But no!" she burst out furiously and reigned it back in like she was gathering dropped lady products. "I should have known somebody so interested in Myrtle was a poof." Sirius rammed his shoulder into the toilet wall and Myrtle fell. Sirius darted in but she was gone leaving a spray of toilet water on his face. She reappeared behind him.

"He did have that kind of face. Ohhhhh, what a shame, what a waste! For you." she complained bitterly. She flicked Sirius hair and grunted, storming out again. Sirius was doing some storming on his own and he regarded Myrtle darkly. Moony would want him to console her and that is what he would do - after winding her up a little first. Sirius had practice at his parents house. They didn't like him touching taps. He had a feeling that Myrtle would feel similarly.

Sirius turned on the taps and rubbed his hands together before caressing them. Up to two sinks at once violated by a poof. He didn't know what he was doing. There was surely better ways to spend time, and in the midst of everything he had forgotten that Moony would be in the common room right about then. Feet up, dire expression, lazily playing chess and sipping tea and wishing for a book to plummet out of the air but read Sirius regardless.

He wanted to hurt. He leaned over one of the sinks and felt it rushing. He was dizzy and frivolous. Sirius felt a hand over his on the top and if it was Myrtle - if it was her, he would…

Moony. "You've reached new lengths. An abandoned girls bathroom, padfoot, really?" he spoke humorously. Sirius knew with a dread that Remus had some kind of idea why he would find Sirius in this state.

"Moony-"

"Disturbing poor, old, gracious Myrtle, what ever next…"

Sirius heard an obscene gasp and Sirius rose angry. "Fucking gracious - I'll give you fucking gracious…"

Remus's words melded with Sirius ear. "I know. No more. Give it up, step out with me and give me my favourite study, would you?"

Oh, Sirius would do that gladly.


End file.
